when i was younger, the day of may crowning where one lucky girl is selected to very slowly lower a tiny wreath of flowers onto the head of a statue of mary, i would go home and practice the painstaking ceremony. however, i was never allowed to crown mary. regardless, i would go home and sing the mary songs to myself while i created my own crown for the petite statue of mary in my backyard garden. i would then perform my own may crowning, against the desperate attempts of my school to hold me back from my true calling.
so, on the eve of my belated debut in the high school may crowning ceremony as a reader (pish-a), i just want to say one thing. what the hell is wrong with the yearbook staff this year? i'm going to submit pages to the yearbook company this afternoon. and as i'm looking through some of the pages, which were "checked" by our yearbook moderator, i find numerous BLATANT errors. The following list is an example of the horrendous errors i found, to my dismay: improperly aligned text, too much white space, gramatically incorrect captions, misspelled words, blurry pictures, and other such atrocities. when mr. parten came into the yearbook room to tell me that the building was closing, he found me curled up in a ball surrounded by previous, completed yearbooks with beautiful, long, gramatically-correct captions whimpering, "they're all against me" while i closed my eyes dreaming of the day when i am free from the petty constraints of the Souvenons-Nous.
May 10, 2006
Apr 24, 2006
skiing for beginners
Hi, my name is Sarah. And I don't know what the hell I'm doing. I've never skied before. And, rather than take skiing lessons like an normal visitor to the Copper Mountain Ski Resort, Meg and I decided that she would simply teach me how to ski. (Meg has only skied 3 times before.)
1. Do not, I repeat do not, wear low rise anything to ski. It will end up badly. Either you will flash the world the whole time you are skiing or you will have snow forcibly inserted into your adorable low rise pants when you inevitably fall. And snow being shoved into your pants is not fun. sometimes it even leaves painful scars that keep the constant stinging pain company on your rear end.
2. learn how to stop and turn properly before advancing onto actual mountain runs. if you exit the bunny slope stage without fully mastering the stopping and turning techniques, you will end up doing one of the following:
a) running into things such as trees, large piles of snow, or people (which,
surprisingly is the most embarrasing and often hardest to escape from)
b) flying down the mountain at top-notch speeds with shaking legs.
c) wipe out. completely. this usually accompanies options a and b but is
also a choice on its own. as a general rule, the faster you are going,
the more dramatically you wipe out.
3. make sure that you know how to properly mount and dismount the ski lift because it is quite embarrasing when the operators of the ski lift must stop the ski lift to wait for you to shimmy over to the correct spot or when you are simply pushed off the lift and are forced to do an impressive squatting ski move until you reach your ski companion onto which you latch yourself onto thus making both of you topple over.
well, that's all the advice that i have for now. happy skiing!
1. Do not, I repeat do not, wear low rise anything to ski. It will end up badly. Either you will flash the world the whole time you are skiing or you will have snow forcibly inserted into your adorable low rise pants when you inevitably fall. And snow being shoved into your pants is not fun. sometimes it even leaves painful scars that keep the constant stinging pain company on your rear end.
2. learn how to stop and turn properly before advancing onto actual mountain runs. if you exit the bunny slope stage without fully mastering the stopping and turning techniques, you will end up doing one of the following:
a) running into things such as trees, large piles of snow, or people (which,
surprisingly is the most embarrasing and often hardest to escape from)
b) flying down the mountain at top-notch speeds with shaking legs.
c) wipe out. completely. this usually accompanies options a and b but is
also a choice on its own. as a general rule, the faster you are going,
the more dramatically you wipe out.
3. make sure that you know how to properly mount and dismount the ski lift because it is quite embarrasing when the operators of the ski lift must stop the ski lift to wait for you to shimmy over to the correct spot or when you are simply pushed off the lift and are forced to do an impressive squatting ski move until you reach your ski companion onto which you latch yourself onto thus making both of you topple over.
well, that's all the advice that i have for now. happy skiing!
Apr 4, 2006
woe is me
alas, uva and georgetown REJECTED me. the sad thing is that i actually didn't see it coming. whoops. now i must choose between the following: lsu, tulane, uga and university of rochester. p.s. rochester is freakishly cold and i'm used to like new orleans winters where the lows range from 40-60 degrees. not 30 below. however, i'm pretty psyched about going to colorado springs. i hope i can ski while i'm there! maybe that will change my mind about how much i like the cold...
so i had to make this lamp for my physics class, right? i don't know what kind of brain fart i had to result in the design i created for this tomato spice creation that is now sitting atop mr. collins' counter. i decided that i should use tin cans for this project, despite my enormous hands that couldn't really fit inside the cans to make the necessary adjustments and connections. this resulted in my mutated hands resulting from my overzealous attempts to use guerilla glue (which, according to the bottle is "the strongest glue on planet earth"). now i can't really feel anything with my hands and the red paint that i painted my stupid lamp is now staining the glue. boo on physics. and electricity. and glue.
so i had to make this lamp for my physics class, right? i don't know what kind of brain fart i had to result in the design i created for this tomato spice creation that is now sitting atop mr. collins' counter. i decided that i should use tin cans for this project, despite my enormous hands that couldn't really fit inside the cans to make the necessary adjustments and connections. this resulted in my mutated hands resulting from my overzealous attempts to use guerilla glue (which, according to the bottle is "the strongest glue on planet earth"). now i can't really feel anything with my hands and the red paint that i painted my stupid lamp is now staining the glue. boo on physics. and electricity. and glue.
Mar 20, 2006
words of wisdom
someone once quietly uttered these words into my ear:
fire.
beast.
excellent.
perhaps you should live your life according to his insightful murmurings.
fire.
beast.
excellent.
perhaps you should live your life according to his insightful murmurings.
Mar 8, 2006
i'm a black woman in a white girl's body
i have found the book that should be my bible. The following is an exerpt from a daily candy email that i received about this delightful little book...
White people have mastered some tough stuff. The goth look. Ice hockey. Tax evasion. Dancing to Earth, Wind, and Fire without any evidence of soul whatsoever.
And with the publication of Making Friends with Black People, everyone (read: all the colors in the Crayola box) can get one step closer to true racial harmony. The new book by L.A.-based comedian Nick Adams is a smart, hilarious look at the conflicted, all-too-often misguided relationship white people have with African-American culture.
Adams is black, but some of his best friends are white, so he knows what he’s talking about. From when to open a conversation with talk of Jay-Z’s new album (never) to how to avoid ridicule on the dance floor (flamboyance is the enemy), he breaks it down for the pigmentally challenged.
Wondering if it’s okay for white people to use black slang? Well, sure, but he warns, “When you guys start using our words, that’s when we know it’s time for us to stop using them. Every time a white, middle-aged math teacher calls a student ‘dog,’ black people all over the country are notified via e-mail. Believe it.”
I think this would make a great present for mid-Lent for any wiggers you might know. or for me. whatever.
White people have mastered some tough stuff. The goth look. Ice hockey. Tax evasion. Dancing to Earth, Wind, and Fire without any evidence of soul whatsoever.
And with the publication of Making Friends with Black People, everyone (read: all the colors in the Crayola box) can get one step closer to true racial harmony. The new book by L.A.-based comedian Nick Adams is a smart, hilarious look at the conflicted, all-too-often misguided relationship white people have with African-American culture.
Adams is black, but some of his best friends are white, so he knows what he’s talking about. From when to open a conversation with talk of Jay-Z’s new album (never) to how to avoid ridicule on the dance floor (flamboyance is the enemy), he breaks it down for the pigmentally challenged.
Wondering if it’s okay for white people to use black slang? Well, sure, but he warns, “When you guys start using our words, that’s when we know it’s time for us to stop using them. Every time a white, middle-aged math teacher calls a student ‘dog,’ black people all over the country are notified via e-mail. Believe it.”
I think this would make a great present for mid-Lent for any wiggers you might know. or for me. whatever.
Feb 28, 2006
carnival season wrap-up
number of roses: 2 (an all-time low)
number of people i set on fire: 41
number of king-cake babies i got: 0
number of king-cake babies i avoided getting: 18
number of beads i caught: 158
number of bead whores i know: about a billion
best mardi gras moment: sean and david running down st. charles around 15 mph behind melissa's car in order to get a ride.
runner-up: sean drinking a previously-opened beer he found outside of superior grill.
number of people i set on fire: 41
number of king-cake babies i got: 0
number of king-cake babies i avoided getting: 18
number of beads i caught: 158
number of bead whores i know: about a billion
best mardi gras moment: sean and david running down st. charles around 15 mph behind melissa's car in order to get a ride.
runner-up: sean drinking a previously-opened beer he found outside of superior grill.
Feb 24, 2006
hello, Mardi Gras. i am sarah.
my fond friend Mardi Gras has once again arrived in my very own, and very new backyard. Although I am now located uptown, it found me once again. a faithful friend who always brings happiness, food, and lots of drunk people who smell like pee.
although i have only been to one night of parades (last night), i feel like i have already experienced some pretty darn awesome things:
1. this one lady standing on a ladder was dancing to a marching band when she lost her balanced and grabbed her friend, who was also on a ladder, and they both fell down in a a drunken stupor. luckily they were too drunk to care. thumbs up!
2. last night two people came and stood right in front of me as a band was passing and everyone has to back up. the lady next to me saw my horrified and disgusted face upon their unwanted appearance and told them off! woo hoo!
this allows me to segway into my next list. some rules for mardi gras:
1. try not to throw up on other people. it doesn't make them happy and tends to bring down their night.
2. don't pick up beads off the ground. they're tainted. if you do, you're a bead whore.
3. don't stand in front of me. i'll set you on fire.
4. if you throw crap beads, especially to me, expect them to be thrown back at you.
5. no one wants cups. except to pee in.
lastly, remember, plan ahead because there ain't no place to pee on mardi gras day.
although i have only been to one night of parades (last night), i feel like i have already experienced some pretty darn awesome things:
1. this one lady standing on a ladder was dancing to a marching band when she lost her balanced and grabbed her friend, who was also on a ladder, and they both fell down in a a drunken stupor. luckily they were too drunk to care. thumbs up!
2. last night two people came and stood right in front of me as a band was passing and everyone has to back up. the lady next to me saw my horrified and disgusted face upon their unwanted appearance and told them off! woo hoo!
this allows me to segway into my next list. some rules for mardi gras:
1. try not to throw up on other people. it doesn't make them happy and tends to bring down their night.
2. don't pick up beads off the ground. they're tainted. if you do, you're a bead whore.
3. don't stand in front of me. i'll set you on fire.
4. if you throw crap beads, especially to me, expect them to be thrown back at you.
5. no one wants cups. except to pee in.
lastly, remember, plan ahead because there ain't no place to pee on mardi gras day.
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